Update

I just wanted to post a quick update on my last entry.

We all survived Thursday just fine. I did not have to be institutionalized :)

Like I said, the past few weeks have been very tough for reasons that are out of our control but that doesn't mean I'm waving my white flag and giving up. I may have hard days every once in a while but I don't carry those burdens into the next day.

I woke up Friday feeling renewed and refreshed. Thankful for new days. And for a God that loves us enough to carry His children through trying times.

Speaking of great parents, my mom is in town to have furniture delivered to her new house and she came bearing gifts (Cuban bread and pastries). And she cleaned my house top to bottom. I was able to hang out in bed with both kids and just enjoy them for an hour. Something I haven't been able to do in a while. It was so nice. My mom lives and breathes selflessness. And she dotes on the kids, probably to a fault. I already predict them running to her when they don't like what I (and dad) have to say. Just like I ran to my grandma when I didn't like what my mom had to say to me as a youngster. Full circle.

Anyway, I'm taking the kids to the new house today to help assemble some furniture. Jane loves the little water fountain in my parent's yard so I know that's where she'll be most of the day. And tomorrow we're having both kiddos dedicated at church followed by a Father's Day brunch. Can't wait.

I'll end with a pic of the two little people that light up my life:

sacrifice

i am so weary.

in body and spirit. especially spirit.

i can't believe how one single day (today) has nearly broken me.

i'm not gonna get into how incredibly stressful the past few weeks have been. for one, where would i start?

yesterday was one of the hardest parenting days i've ever had (until i woke up today that is!)

jane was sick. like out of the blue inexplicable high fever sick. she wasn't eating or drinking. i rushed her to the doctor's office where they tested her for everything under the sun. the 'testing' was a horrible horrible experience. when they swabbed her throat to test for strep, she lost it. then there was the attempt to collect her urine. worst.experience.ever.

there was more, so much more that i don't have the energy to write out. today, her fever is mostly gone but she remains super whiny. like the kind of whine that brings me to tears, not because i feel bad for her, but because i feel my sanity slipping. ryder, perhaps jealous from all the attention, has refused to stop crying or sleep. unless he's being held. this prevents me from working and from tending to jane. i haven't eaten breakfast.oh wait, i had a slice of toast while pumping at 7 am.

then there was the news that a lot more work will be headed my way (remember i work from home). as it is, my time is maxed out between parenting and work. now, because of somebody else's incompetency, my work load is doubling.

oh. and then there was the hospital bill i received. when i told my husband the amount, he assumed it was before insurance. uh, no. and this was for an unmedicated, vaginal delivery. it was ridikulus. if i would've had a C-section or epidural, we'd have to sell an organ on the black market.

anyway, i find myself being pulled in a thousand different directions. my 'to-do' list is so long, i'm avoiding it in  the hopes that it grows so large it self destructs.

i know this season will pass. up until this month, things were great. jane won't be sick forever and ryder will eventually stop crying.

for now, i pray without ceasing. not for deliverance from all these problems but for the strength to endure them, patience with my family and for a renewed spirit.

happier posts on the way.  

life lately

Ryder is six weeks old. This post originally started as his one month post but you know how that goes. I am perpetually two weeks behind.

Somehow (by the grace of God) I am successfully juggling two kids and my part-time job. By 'successful' I mean we're all still alive and the house hasn't burned down. And I've been doing it all without coffee might I add. (There has been a lot of skittles consumed though, just saying) I try to dedicate the mornings to working, in between playing with Jane and nursing Ryder, and then I spend the rest of the day running around the house like a headless chicken.

some randoms:

 love this one. two out of three ain't bad.

look at these hunks

On to a radically different topic, I've decided to become (mostly) vegetarian again. Since becoming pregnant with Ryder I've consumed a crazy amount of meat and poultry. My cravings were out of control (stopping at BK for a chicken sandwich once a week- something I hadn't done in years). I was disappointed that I couldn't control my appetite or my choices. But I just didn't care; I was in survival mode I told myself.

But I always had the intention of going back to my healthy lifestyle once the pregnancy was over. Now that I'm six weeks postpartum and we've eaten up all our frozen (non-vegetarian meals), the time has come. I am ready. Fortunately, my husband was always good about welcoming veg meals without complaint. He enjoys meat like any other guy but he knows the benefit of eating a plant based diet.

It's especially important to make a change now because I want to raise my children on good, whole foods. Not processed junk. When they're older and can think for themselves, they can decide what they want to eat.

That said, here is what Jane had for lunch:

bread with almond butter, grapes, cubed cheese and green peppers with hummus. She licked her plate clean ;)

two years old

As promised, some pics from Jane's party for her second birthday a few weeks ago. Initially I wanted to do a Mickey/Minnie theme since she's obsessed with them but it would've been too much for me to do with the new baby around. So we just kept it simple and invited close family over for a bbq. 

The theme of the party - because you gotta have a theme - was rainbow. I ordered the cake from Target (I LOVE their cakes) and had it filled with bavarian creme. It was delicious.

The decor was simple. Just colored candy in glass jars. I've since eaten all of those skittles. 

I loved the table 'skirt'. My mom took a rainbow streamer, cut it into strips and taped it to the table. So easy!

 

In keeping with tradition, we fancied up the front door.

We used last year's balloon wreaths but also made a number 2 out of buttons to hang in the center. It took my mom about 15 minutes to make these. Adorable, no?

 My mom also got her this:

and Jane's other grandma got her this adorable Minnie suit and glasses (you know they were a big hit)

She was a little nervous about exploring the pool by herself so she made daddy join her

Then later there were gifts and cake cutting

Next year's party should be interesting. Since Jane and Ryder's birthdays will be two weeks apart, we'll celebrate them together until they're old enough to demand otherwise. Can't wait to see how that turns out ;)

2 weeks post partum

I'm not gonna lie. I feel like a million bucks. Labor, delivery, recovery, caring for a newborn - SO much easier the second time around. Granted, last time I had a 3rd degree tear and was sore for weeks and weeks but this time, I was driving one week after birth and physically I was able to get around with ease. My second degree tear, from what I can tell, is healing/has healed wonderfully. No issues there.

At this point, 2 weeks and change postpartum, I am practically back to normal. Ryder is nursing and sleeping well. By sleeping well, I mean he does 2 hour stretches. Usually 3 at night. Funny how your perspective changes with subsequent kids. With Jane, I was a basket case trying to get used to short sleeps. I thought the world was ending those first few weeks. With Ryder, my mind and body are like "let's do this!"

(can you spot both kiddos in this pic?)

I've lost almost 20 lbs. I'm not concerned about losing the additional 20 because I'm actually enjoying the extra meat on my body. I am looking forward to running again and getting toned up but I still have another month or so before I can start on that. 

I also went back to "work". From home, anyway. It's going great. Not great that I have to work - who likes that? But great in the sense that I get to take care of my kids myself and don't have to leave them at some shady daycare. I work my hours in the morning, while Jane eats breakfast, watches cartoons and plays with her toys and then spend the rest of the day with both kids. At first I was really anxious about how I'd be able to juggle work and parenting (and house chores, can't forget those) but I worked it all out somehow. Thank you, Lord. 

In the midst of all the changes, my Jane turned two. Two! We threw her a party, despite my better judgement. There was a lot of stress and a break down (or two) on my part over the planning and execution but it actually turned out great.  I refused to postpone her celebration just because there was a newborn in the house. In the end, she had a wonderful time and that's all that matters. (and the leftover food....that also matters). I'll post about her party later this week.

In Ryder news, he rolled over by himself last night. For the first time. And he's only two weeks old. No big deal. Of course I'm aware that it was probably a fluke and he won't do it again until he's 3 months old but STILL. Let's give credit where credit is due. It takes amazing head control and willpower to roll yourself over when you've only been breathing air for two weeks. ;)

Birth Story

At my 39 week appointment I was 80-90% effaced and 3-4 cm. Though this was promising I knew it wasn't a predictor of when I would go in to labor. Over the next few days, as my due date approached, I had contractions on and off but they always fizzled out. The only significant change was the loss of my mucus plug Mon-Wed. Surely this had to mean something but I didn't get my hopes up.

Thursday morning, at 40 weeks and one day, I woke for the day and headed out with my mom and Jane. I felt a little off. I wasn't having contractions but was experiencing some mild cramping and just a general feeling of being unwell. I wanted to pick up a few things at Target so I forced myself to go but couldn't wait to get back home.

After we returned home from our trip my mom took Jane to the park. Usually I would've accompanied them but I started feeling worse and opted to stay home. I did have a fleeting thought that maybe labor was starting so I made myself some lunch with the thought that if labor was indeed beginning, I would need all the energy I could get.

After a little while, I noticed that my discomfort was coming in waves. Hello, contractions! I didn't time them but they were coming every 5-10 mins. I decided to do some laundry and a few chores before hopping in the shower. The contractions continued. My mom came back from the park with Jane and I told her that I may be in labor but I wanted to wait and see what happened. Not a bright idea since my first labor was only 4 hours long. But I was more concerned about getting to the hospital too early. I called my husband and let him know what was going on. He told me to call him back if the contractions lasted another half hour. If so, he would come home.

Sure enough, a half hour later, the pain not only continued but was intensifying. I was starting to worry about another fast labor so I told my mom it was time to head to the hospital. My husband would meet us there. I also told my in-laws, who live two hours away, so they could make their way over too. At the hospital I checked in and we waited about an hour to be seen. My contractions kept coming and were 5-6 on the pain scale but they were manageable with a small break in between. I made small talk with some other pregnant girls who were there for various reasons. They couldn't believe I was in labor because I was so calm and collected. Duh, that's how I roll people. My number one concern during this time was getting someone to come pick up Jane and take her back home because I really didn't want her in the exam room with us. I knew she would be restless and eventually fussy and ain't nobody got time for that when they're in labor. We called one of our good friends, a teacher who works an hour away, and she said she was on her way. While we continued to wait, I was called in to the exam room with my husband. I told the nurse it would likely be a fast labor. She checked me and said I was 6 cm! I was happy but a tad bit disappointed. I really wanted to be a 7 or 8. Ambitious, much?

She strapped the fetal monitor on me and said she would be back to check on me in 20 mins. During that time, she came in and said I was "having monster contractions" (news to me!) and that they were trying to find me an open delivery room stat. After she left, the pain intensified so I asked my husband to pull up a funny youtube video that I knew would take my mind off things. We laughed hysterically for a few minutes and then another nurse came in and said she wanted to be like me when she grows up - laughing while in hard labor. I was so pleased with how in control of the pain I was. I had been nervous for many weeks about my ability to handle it and whether or not I would cave and request an epidural. I used a technique that I read about in Ina May's Natural Childbirth book. She said she often had her patients blow raspberries out of their mouths - super silly but it supposedly helped relax the cervix and dilate it further. I did that through each contraction, but only in front of my husband. There was no way I was doing that in front of anyone else!

The nurse came back in and I asked her about a birthing ball and laboring in the tub. She said yes to both those options but said she wanted me to wait until I got up to the delivery room because she was afraid that I would give birth in the exam room. Finally they came with the wheelchair to take me upstairs. By this time, around 4:30 or so, my in-laws and my friend had arrived and were keeping my mom company in the waiting room. My husband hurried out there and told them it was go time - they all needed to get moving. I think he sensed that this baby would be here very shortly. Upstairs in the delivery room, I got into bed and asked the nurse about a wireless monitor and birthing ball. As I waited for both, my contractions picked up and were now 8-9 on the pain scale. As I sat on the birthing ball the pain worsened. I was all alone since my husband was down stairs helping to put Jane in her car seat so our friend could take her home. He later told me that he was really worried he would come back upstairs and find that I'd given birth. Almost, buddy!

By the time he made it back with my mom and in-laws, I was concentrating on breathing through each contraction which were coming 1-2 minutes apart. The birthing ball was really speeding things up so I had my husband crouch behind me and massage my lower back during the contractions, which seemed to help. I had only been in the room less than 30 mins and felt that transition was nearing. The nurse came in and asked me to get on the bed since the wireless monitor kept slipping and she wanted to get a better reading of how the baby was doing. The pain was now a 10 and I had less than a minute in between to catch my breath and prepare for the next wave. I remember gripping the bed rails.Within a few minutes, the doctor came in and said he was going to give me something to slow down the contractions. Um, QUE? I had never heard of such a thing and looked at him like he was out of mind. I wanted to get this thing over with, not prolong it!

"Uhhh can you check me before you do that?" I asked. 

"Sure, of course"  he answered.

He then said he could break my water if I wanted him to but warned that by doing that, the pain would worsen. All I was thinking was, that ship has sailed my friend! It's nothing but pain from here on out. Then he said that as soon as he breaks it, I would be pushing (provided I was at least 8-9 cm).

So he checked me and sure enough I was 8-9 cm. Music to my ears. Mind you, I had only been having really painful contractions for about 30 mins. Before that, it was a piece of cake. So he broke the waters and this is where things got crazy.

My pain shot through the roof and I started feeling the urge to push but was told NOT TO PUSH. Say what? That's like telling the sun not to shine. I was pushing. Apparently, the staff wasn't ready yet. They were still getting the baby warming station ready and my doctor was putting on his scrubs. Everybody was moving at a snail's pace, taking their sweet time as if I would be pushing for a while. My husband told the doctor in no uncertain terms that this baby was coming NOW. Meanwhile, I'm desperately breathing in through my nose and out my mouth like they were instructing, trying to avoid pushing. It was so incredibly painful. By the time I felt this pain during Jane's birth, I was already pushing her out. But here, these people were making me wait. It was excruciating. With each contraction, I said I was pushing, that I couldn't help it. I even apologized a few times. I'm so polite, it's ridiculous. A few more minutes passed and the bed was broken down and the doctor was finally ready for me to push.

The weird thing is, by the time the doc said it was okay for me to push, I no longer felt the urge! I freaked, thinking my body was stalling. I didn't feel any pain or an urge to push but I went ahead and pulled my thighs back anyway and pushed. The pain returned and I was told that the baby's head was 'right there' and they could see his hair. I was thrilled! I pushed again and felt the ring of fire as his head crowned. Once again, they told me to stop pushing. I was getting tired of them saying this. I don't know why they wanted me to wait...perhaps the doctor was trying to avoid me tearing (happened anyway). It felt like an eternity of waiting with just my son's head dangling out my hooha but really it was less than 30 seconds before I was pushing again (despite their attempts to get me to stop). Then a third push and he was completely out and placed on my chest.

Gotta shorten this up...so here are pics!

my in-laws, my mama, my baby daddy

the marks on his face were from the goggles he wore when he had the uv light blanket for his jaundice

1 week postpartum

I'm still working on my birth story. And by 'working' I mean haven't started it yet. But it's on the agenda.

Today, however, I thought it would be fun to do a postpartum survey (originally found at this blog) while *gasp* both kids are napping.

So here we go...




How far along were you when you had your baby? 40 weeks and 1 day 

How long was labor? From the first contraction until I pushed him out, it was 6 hours. Which was two hours longer than Jane's birth. (I was trying to beat my own record). However, the pain was manageable and I was laughing at youtube videos with my husband less than an hour before I gave birth. So, the real question here is how long was labor painful for me? 45 minutes. 

Total weight gain: 40 lbs

Total weight loss so far: 10-15 lbs. I have that little pouch but it went away after a few weeks with Jane. 

Back into your own clothes yet? I've been living in pajama pants for the past week but managed to get into some pre-pregnancy leggings (above) today. Felt great. 

Did you get stretch marks? Nope. 

How is physical recovery going? So much better this time around. I only had a second degree tear so I'm not as sore as when I had  Jane. It's hard for me to 'take it easy' but I did my hardest in order to speed the recovery process those first few days. Now, I'm up and about but resting when the kids are down. 

What do you miss about being pregnant? Not much. Just knowing that Ryder was safe and sound in my belly. 

How did you come up with Ryder's name? Ryder was on our girl name list when we were pregnant with Jane (I've mentioned this before but Jane is not Jane's first name; it's her middle name. I don't use her first name on the blog though there is a picture of it somewhere in an earlier post). When we found out we were having a boy, Ryder went back on the list. I was never 100% crazy about it even though I was the one that suggested it. The name that my husband and I both loved (especially me) was River. I love love love love River. But trust me when I say that combined with our last name, it would've been way too earthy of a full name. Although I did try to come in at the 11th hour and change my husband's mind about it but was shot down. Sigh. Oh but I just remembered.... I think we agreed to revisit the name if we have another boy down the line.

How big is Ryder? 8 lbs, 4.2 oz at birth. 7 lbs, 12 oz at his 4 day check-up. 

How is his temperament? Loves to sleep (during the day). Calm and curious when awake. He barely cries. 

How is nursing going? Great. He took to it like a champ. I was a little concerned because my breasts were engorged and he wasn't emptying them. I worried about my supply possibly dropping but after a few days, it regulated itself and now we're both happy. I know my supply won't be fully established for another 4-6 weeks though. As of today, he's nursing every 2 hours or so. 

How many times have you been peed on? Barfed on? I was warned by so many people about boys peeing during diaper changes. Well, today it happened. Not on me but on our living room ottoman. Guess we'll have to keep a towel under him during changes. 

What is the longest you have been away from Ryder? 30-40 mins yesterday for a grocery store trip

Have you taken him out yet? Yup. Twice to the children's hospital to get his bilirubin levels checked (we had issues with jaundice) and once to his pediatrician, whom he's seeing again tomorrow. He does great out and about, even when he hasn't nursed. But I know all too well that'll eventually change. 

How/where does she sleep? He naps great during the day in the rock and play but at night, it's hit or miss. One night he slept in the pack and play for about 20 mins then has hated it ever since. Same thing with the rock and play. I was surprised about this since he loves it during the day. Our first few nights were spent trying to put him down in different places then shooshing him but none of those worked. I finally brought him into bed with me and he slept on my chest, just like his sister did her first week. He still has his days/nights mixed up so I'll work on really getting him into the pack and play next week but for now, we're co-sleeping. I nurse him to sleep and make sure he's not near the pillow/blanket but is propped up on me. I also put the little breathing monitor on him. I am NOT a fan of co-sleeping but for this first week, it's the only way either of us will get any decent sleep. That doesn't mean I won't spend the first half of the night trying to put him in the bassinet or rNp. The co-sleeping thing is a last resort. It's not safe and the bed is for me and my husb. Not the whole fam.   

What are you looking forward to? Ryder sleeping 3-4 hour stretches at night! Also can't wait for him to be more alert and interactive with us. 

How is Jane doing? She's such a good big sister! She wasn't that interested when she first met him in the hospital but at home, she loves to see him and help out with diaper changes. Last night she even helped during a sponge bath. And she's so gentle, just like I knew she would be. She totally understands that this little being is fragile and needs to be protected. Now, would I leave her alone with him? Um, no. But I had some people trying to scare me into thinking she'd be jealous and whiny. There's been none of that. I'm carving out non-nursing time to be with her. It'll get easier as time goes on.